Dear Vita, I'm always waiting for that shoe to drop

“There’s always a shoe that will drop”  That’s what my subconscious mind always keep on saying.

Maybe I’m being skeptical but you can’t blame me for I’ve been through a lot lately. Recent events made me more skeptical about everything that there is. People, opportunities, career, and other stuff gave me doubts which I cannot comprehend.

 

It was hard.

 

I was waiting for that drop thinking maybe if that happens then I can eventually move on and wouldn’t have to worry anymore since there are no more shoes that will fall. I was stalling my progress in fear and in hope to move on altogether.

 

I was hoping to experience all of it all at once so I can move on and progress once and for all.

 

I was so blinded by the question ‘Why prolong the agony?’ and I was waiting for all of it to happen all at once that I forgot I was the one prolonging the agony, the hurt, and the suffering.

 

It’s like going to a dentist, you want all necessary stuff done with a single visit, and in the journey you stall your checkup just because there’s little to do. You stall not knowing that in that process you are just letting cavities eat your healthy bones. But that wouldn’t matter when you get satisfied being able to do it all at once, more damage done but at least the pain you’ll feel is all the once.

 

I had that logic. I was patiently waiting and I forgot to acknowledge that maybe that’s all that I have to face in the meantime. Maybe the shoe wasn’t supposed to fall right now. Maybe the damage should not be that big.

 

As I progress I realized one thing, and that is you are faced with your biggest problem until you aren’t anymore because another problem will come and then it’s now your biggest worry, it’s only big until the bigger problem comes your way. So technically maybe the shoe will never fall.

 

It’s like waves. It will never stop, you just have to endure one wave at a time, stronger than others at times, but will always be there.

 

I was waiting for that giant wave thinking that after it hit me then maybe I can sail safely and freely.

 

I guess, I was wrong.

 

Writing this down and realizing how stupid my mind went on makes me want to hide under a rock like Patrick.

 

Well, to be fair I was just being scared and that’s very normal. Thank you very much. But I should have known better.

 

I was standing on the shore toughening myself out waves after waves but it was no use.

 

I have to move. I have to remind myself that there are no shoes holding me down.

 

It’s hard breaking out from a cycle of fear when fear is evident. It’s hard fighting of fear, doubt, and insecurity when you don’t have the strength enough to get out of that wormhole.

 

It’s a process.

 

It’s a learning experience, one that you should accept and acknowledge because there’s no other way out but forward.

 

The waves will be stronger but so are you.

 

Listen to Dory and just keep on swimming.