Life blogger on quarter-life crisis and losing yourself.
We’ve heard people talk about
having a quarter-life crisis.
A Quarter-life crisis is defined as a crisis
‘’involving anxiety over the direction and quality of one’s life’’ which is
most commonly experienced in a period ranging from a person’s twenties up to
their mid-thirties- it can begin as early as 18.
Alex Fowke, a clinical
psychologist defined it as ‘’a period of insecurity, doubt and disappointment
surrounding your career, relationships, and financial situation.
So, let me tell you my story.
After I graduated from college I instantly grab the position in the government after
a month stint from a private company because I was scared and I was in a rush-
it was the best decision for me at that time. I feel like I was obligated to be
something. I was questioned by a lot of people about my decision to stay here
in Tarlac and to be honest my answer is more personal, aside from its
practicality, but I know that deep down a part of me was just scared that I
might fail.
I was expected to be in the
field of media and up until now I know that people were a bit disappointed
because I did not pursue it. Some keep on telling me that I should go to law
school, or that I should transfer to a different government agency.
I know that they only want the
best for me but I was the one who is not yet ready and that gives me a lot of
anxiety. The fact that I see people soar when I’m still figuring things out is
so frustrating.
My closest friends and parents
know this but I haven’t shared it here yet, as far as I remember. Where I am
now is not the place I see myself in the future. I can’t see my job right now
as a retirement career. This is not something I want to keep on doing for the
rest of my life. This is not the job I see myself dedicating my life to.
Actually, I’ve reached a point
of exhaustion that it almost messes my whole being. I was exhausted to the point
that I can’t make myself write, and as a writer, my greatest fear is the
the possibility that I might lose the ability to tell stories, to create, to
educate, to influence, to be the voice of the people who can’t voice out their
thoughts, and to disappoint my younger self who thinks highly of her future
self.
Writing is a big deal for me. I am not a great writer, I
make grammatical errors, I question myself if the prepositions I use are right
among other things, but despite all my flaws and shortcomings I know that I
can’t make myself stop and quit writing.
So you can only imagine how bad I had it when things
collapsed. Aside from being disappointed with my life’s current state, the
thing I pride myself the most was actually slowly leaving me. I remember the
days I was on the way to work and ask myself if it’s worth it. Is the job, the
salary, the safety worth it?
I realized that as time passes by something in me is
fading, I’m losing a piece of myself. I ask myself, does the thing I’m losing
worth the number of things I have right now?
The answer is no.
No material can justify the hollow I had and keep on
getting. No amount of money and safety is worth the piece of my soul that is
slowly fading. My being is worth much more than that. My being is worth every
peaceful sleep, sound laughter, and popping ideas.
I can’t lose myself. I won’t let that happen.
I am worthy of every fight I have in me, I am worthy of
all the sufferings and I wouldn’t let it all go to waste. I’m not losing
myself, not in this lifetime.