I have a secret to tell

I have a secret to tell.

If you’ve read some of my entries here you probably notice that when I talk about beauty I always associate it with inner beauty. I don’t usually align it with perfect makeup look or the normal standard of being called pretty, I always highlight strength and other human’s features which is not synonymous to face value aesthetics. But just to be clear it doesn’t mean that I’m snob with that kind of beauty or that I can’t appreciate those pretty people out there because in fact I’m kind of jealous of them.

Contrary to other beliefs, I’m a normal teen who enjoys fashion and beauty as much as the next girl in the mean girls group. I have tons of fashion and beauty magazines that I scan and look for inspirations and ideas even on normal days! I’m just a lowkey.

During college I went to a phase where I’ve been super stress and it showed on my skin. I had couple of major breakouts that I was so stress about, but not stress enough like acads’, which eventually took its toll on my skin and damaged my self-esteem. Looking back I think the reason why I didn’t mind that stress or my breakouts is the fact that I don’t have time to stress on it because of my busy life studying and being active with orgs in college, and of course let’s give credit to my ‘fake it until you make it’ mantra.

I have a very sensitive skin and it’s been a crazy journey. I tried different products and some even damaged my skin than do good. And during those time I realize how I was craving for more when I had enough. Pre-breakout era I always complain with my visible pores and black/white heads, I wanted to get a fair and poreless skin and with that in mind I tried using products that might have contributed with the breakouts that I had.

Whenever I look at the mirror I always tell my reflection that if only those zits will disappear, I’ll never ask for more. I’ll just leave my skin and will not ask for more, period.

Some people notice that I don’t use makeup, even at work, and it’s not because I despise it. I have bag of makeups, it’s just that I’m not into it.

Okay fine, I’m a bit scared.

I’m scared that I’ll be dependent on it and that there will be time where I can’t go out without dolling myself. I’m honestly terrified that I’ll based my self-worth on how thick and perfect my ‘kolorete’ and that when the time comes I quit it, I’ll be less for myself.

Sometimes I can’t help but wonder what’s the real face of those women I ride jeep along without their makeup on? And how they identify or describe their bare-face.

Again, there’s nothing wrong with loving makeups and enhancing the skin and body you are in. This is just my personal opinion and this does not invalidate your preference in life. I just want to answer those people who keep saying I should do this and that.

I do want to look and feel good. One time I ask why some people are blessed to have porcelain skin when all I got is a super sensitive and oily one.

Growing up with lots of insecurities, you don’t know the level of me wanting to be pretty. All the social standard of how you should be whiter than white, or how you should have this straight silky hair keeps on pestering everyone that one day I’m just finally done trying to please everyone. I’m done changing myself to fit in. I just want a hassle-free life. Of course, there are still times that I feel like dolling up myself but I like to do it on occasions, not daily.

I don’t want to live a life I know I can’t commit to. I want people to like me the way that I am because I know dolling up is a thing I can’t commit for a lifetime. I think there’s something to do with our growing environment. Although I have 4 siblings, makeup has never been a common thing for us. Mama won’t let us wear makeup unless there’s an occasion until it became us. Always free of makeups (and now our Mother sometimes tell us to put some lol the alpha and omega haha).

But if you wish to gift me some, by all means do so. I’m not a makeup snob, just too lazy to care I guess?