For the past months, years even,
I’ve been neglecting my title as an honor
graduate. I even posted something about how hard it was.
But I had a realization as I was
commuting on the way to work.
I realize that I didn’t hate the
title but rather overwhelmed with the attention it directed my way.
It was a spotlight that hovers
above me and me being myself always hated spotlight and other superficial
niceties. I was a shy and timid person all along and the attention I was
getting almost become unbearable. I don’t want to be labelled as ‘matalino’
because I know I’m not that ‘matalino’. I enjoyed being able to answer
questions correctly but I don’t have a natural gifted intelligence.
While on the way to work
flashback of my conversation with a good friend, Den, came to my mind. It was
when I told her my story behind my perseverance to study hard. To make it
short, I told her that I decided to strive hard with academics because I wanted
to and that it is my personal desire. I’m done pleasing people around me and
decided that I can’t ruin my belief just because something won’t quite fit in.
I entered college with
determination to try my best to be a better learner… for myself. I told myself
that I will celebrate every burden, failures, victories, and even failures as
my own. And I did.
I failed so many times but I
treated it as learnings. I was optimistic and brave regardless of my failures.
I now realized that I’m not a cum
laude for no reason at all. There must be something in me or something I’ve
done to deserve it. My perseverance finally paid off and I was reaping the
fruit of my labor, a victory I should have been proud of. But the only problem is
that I forgot to embrace it.
The exact line I said was ‘You
are a cum laude for a reason.’
And that reason was buried along with the pressure
and the expectation around me. My every move is under scrutiny with the help of
the spotlight. I was honestly scared but now I know what I really felt back
then. When the people around you utter praises you started to live it. You
started to feel obligated to satisfy their sense of fulfillment for you. And
you started to live the life people may not chose but thought best suits you.
Aside from my bookish
intelligence I am a good follower and a mediocre leader. If I have to choose
between being a leader and a follower I’ll gladly be a follower and your why will be answered in the future-
maybe.
As time passes by the thing that they mostly thought was my
strength was starting to be a burden. It became my weakness. The anxiety it
builds inside me whenever someone asks me what my next plan is, and their
suggestion of how I should take up law or masterals drill a painful hole into
my brain.
The funny thing is, I don’t know what my next step is
either. But there is something I’m sure, I’m not gonna be pressured to do
something that I think is not worthy to do or take. One thing that haven’t
changed in me is the more you make me do something, the more I think about its
pros and cons. I like to believe that I’m a very rational human being and I
think it’s good.
I just need to be braver and conquer the life I am living
in. I know it’ll take time for me to finally reach my full potential but I know
it’ll be worth it, and I knew better know.
As cliché as it may seems but indeed ‘Everything happens for
a reason’.
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