Dear Vita, please remind me of my dreams

By Teresa Gueco - December 28, 2019


Life Blogger Teresa Gueco


Please remind me of my now forgotten dreams, the light after the tunnel, the goal after the strike, the fruit of a hard harvest.

Growing up, I was a dreamer. Was.

I didn’t chose it. It was never my choice to forget all my dreams, to stay inside that dark tunnel, to freeze before I even manage to whip a strike, to give up planting before I can even harvest.

Life is tough. It shatters dream, hope, and confidence. It kills people without taking their lives. Living without actually living is harder. Maybe that’s why people chose to end their agony, maybe that’s the reason why some people cut themselves, maybe being numb and feeling void is another kind of pain that we are not aware of. A pain that is deeper than cuts and more shattering than a million shattered glasses.

Have you think about it though? How numbness and voidness can be painful when you technically can’t feel anything? Funny how painful it is, right? But it’s valid. The pain is valid and it is real.

Because of that pain I got scared. I chickened out. I limited my dreams- if there’s still any left of them- and I ended up being a log. A royal log. (Vanessa Hudgen’s pun)

I know I got potential and I’m not even trying to be cocky or what, I just know that I can do something. But as I live the life I’m currently living I realized something was dying, something was missing, and I’m being in pain and getting numb at the same time.

I wanted to write, to inspire, to be worth-knowing, to influence, and be a person of essence. I wanted to be the person my 14-year old self aspires to be and now look at me now. I don’t even remember what I wanted. I forgot what I wanted to be and the things that I wanted to achieve not because I got forgetful but I think it is more because my brain wanted me to forget those things that can no longer give me happiness and hope.

They say that a person’s brain who went on a traumatic experience rewires itself to forget the things that bring them pain. Maybe that’s the reason I can no longer remember what my dreams are, maybe it’s because it brings me pain knowing I fail it. I failed myself. I failed my 14 year-old self and forgetting it is much easier than feeling the pain.

But please make me remember. Help me remember why it is worth the pain, why I should keep remembering those dreams despite the pain, being numb, and void.

Please remind me that no matter how painful it is to achieve my dreams, it’s still going to be worth it. That the happiness is worth all the pain.

That the light is always better than the dark, that the goal is to not win but to make yourself do that strike, that it is not always about the harvest but also the part where you get to grow as well.


Tito Boy Abunda said that in in answering pageants’ Q&As you should sound right and finish strong.
Catriona did that and won the Miss Universe 2018.

I think I sounded right here but I can’t seem to finish it strong enough for me and the universe to believe these words. But maybe, just like Catriona, I will be given more time and opportunity to prove myself in some ways. Maybe if I can’t remember then I can make new one.

I can dream. I have to. I want to.


I got this.
 


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