with
Please remind me of my now
forgotten dreams, the light after the tunnel, the goal after the strike, the
fruit of a hard harvest.
Growing up, I was a dreamer.
Was.
I didn’t choose it. It was
never my choice to forget all my dreams, to stay inside that dark tunnel, to
freeze before I even manage to whip a strike, to give up planting before I can
even harvest.
Life is tough. It shatters
a dream, hope, and confidence. It kills people without taking their lives. Living
without actually living is harder. Maybe that’s why people chose to end their
agony, maybe that’s the reason why some people cut themselves, maybe being numb
and feeling void is another kind of pain that we are not aware of. A pain that
is deeper than cuts and more shattering than a million shattered glasses.
Have you thought about it
though? How numbness and voidness can be painful when you technically can’t
feel anything? Funny how painful it is, right? But it’s valid. The pain is
valid and it is real.
Because of that pain I got
scared. I chickened out. I limited my dreams- if there’s still any left of
them- and I ended up being a log. A royal log. (Vanessa Hudgen’s pun)
I know I got potential and I’m
not even trying to be cocky or what, I just know that I can do something. But as
I live the life I’m currently living I realized something was dying, something
was missing, and I’m being in pain and getting numb at the same time.
I wanted to write, to inspire,
to be worth-knowing, to influence, and be a person with essence. I wanted to be
the person my 14-year old self aspires to be and now look at me now. I don’t
even remember what I wanted. I forgot what I wanted to be and the things that I
wanted to achieve not because I got forgetful but I think it is more because my
brain wanted me to forget those things that can no longer give me happiness and
hope.
They say that a person’s brain
who went on a traumatic experience rewires itself to forget the things that
bring them pain. Maybe that’s the reason I can no longer remember what my
dreams are, maybe it’s because it brings me pain knowing I fail it. I failed
myself. I failed my 14-year-old self and forgetting it is much easier than
feeling the pain.
But please make me remember.
Help me remember why it is worth the pain, why I should keep remembering those
dreams despite the pain, being numb, and void.
Please remind me that no
matter how painful it is to achieve my dreams, it’s still going to be worth it.
That happiness is worth all the pain.
That the light is always
better than the dark, that the goal is to not win but to make yourself do that
strike, that it is not always about the harvest but also the part where you get
to grow as well.
Tito Boy Abunda said that in
in answering pageants’ Q&As you should
sound right and finish strong.
Catriona did that and won the
Miss Universe 2018.
I think I sounded right here
but I can’t seem to finish it strong enough for me and the universe to believe
these words. But maybe, just like Catriona, I will be given more time and
opportunity to prove myself in some ways. Maybe if I can’t remember, but I can
make a new one.
I can dream. I have to. I want
to.
I got this.
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