IS IT WORTH LOSING YOURSELF?

By Teresa Gueco - November 22, 2019

Is it worth losing yourself?



We’ve heard people talk about having quarter life crisis. Quarter life crisis is defined as a crisis ‘’involving anxiety over the direction and quality of one’s life’’ which is most commonly experienced in a period ranging from a person’s twenties up to their mid-thirties- it can begin as early as 18.

Alex Fowke, a clinical psychologist, defined it as ‘’a period of insecurity, doubt and disappointment surrounding your career, relationships and financial situation.

So, let me tell you my story. After I graduated from college I instantly grab the position in the government after a month stint from a private company because I was scared and I was in a rush- it was the best decision for me that time. I feel like I was obligated to be something. I was questioned by a lot of people about my decision to stay here in Tarlac and to be honest my answer is more personal, aside from its practicality, but I know that deep down a part of me was just scared that I might fail.

I was expected to be in the field of media and up until now I know that people were a bit disappointed because I did not pursue it. Some keeps on telling me that I should go to law school, or that I should transfer to a different government agency.

I know that they only want the best for me but I was the one who is not yet ready and that gives me a lot of anxiety. The fact that I see people soar when I’m still figuring things out is so frustrating.

My closest friends and parents know this but I haven’t shared it here yet, as far as I remember. Where I am now is not the place I see myself in the future. I can’t see my job right now as a retirement career. This is not something I want to keep on doing for the rest of my life. This is not the job I see myself dedicating my life to.

Actually, I’ve reached a point of exhaustion that it almost messes my whole being. I was exhausted to the point that I can’t make myself write and as a writer my greatest fear is the possibility that I might lose the ability to tell stories, to create, to educate, to influence, to be the voice of the people who can’t voice out their thoughts, and to disappoint my younger self who thinks highly of her future self.

Writing is a big deal for me. I am not a great writer, I make grammatical errors, I question myself if the prepositions I use are right among other things, but despite all my flaws and shortcomings I know that I can’t make myself stop and quit writing.   

So you can only imagine how bad I had it when things collapsed. Aside from being disappointed with my life’s current state, the thing I pride myself the most was actually slowly leaving me. I remember the days I was on the way to work and ask myself if it’s worth it. Is the job, the salary, the safety worth it?

I realized that as time passes by something in me is fading, I’m losing a piece of myself. I ask myself, does the thing I’m losing worth the amount of things I have right now?

The answer is no.

No material can justify the hollow I had and keep on getting. No amount of money and safety is worth the piece of my soul that is slowly fading. My being is worth much more than that. My being is worth every peaceful sleep, sound laughter, and popping ideas.

I can’t lose myself. I won’t let that happen.

I am worthy of every fight I have in me, I am worth of all the sufferings and I wouldn’t let it all go to waste. I’m not losing myself, not in this lifetime.
                                                                                                                                                                











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