Life in a bullet

So I was (maybe still am) on a writing hiatus due to some unexplainable reasons and right now I just want to write down my thoughts- more like words or phrases if you’d ask me because they’re incoherent. So you just have to roll with it. Here’s a life in a bullet!

• For the past few weeks I feel like I was too busy with work, paper works keeps my feet motionless sometimes it scares me to even think about it.

• I feel like I somehow took things for granted and it causes my plans to be just like that- just plans. No action taken and I was mad and disappointed at myself. I was this tiny fireball aiming for this fuel hoping it will help me shine harder, I was too naïve and disregard the fact or even the idea that it must cost me something and it does, I ended up with burns and bruises placed deeper within me .

• Okay this is funny and I might sound like a total attention seeker and pseudo-shy (lol is that even a word? Haha) but I was so afraid and overwhelmed by the fact that I was really doing this. I mean, I am writing and when I write I always pours my heart out. So what’s terrifying? It’s the fact that I am vulnerable to people I don’t talk deep with. AND BECAUSE OF MY GRAMMATICAL ERRORS THAT YOU SEE PROBABLY A LOT BECAUSE I’M DAMN TOO LAZY TO PROOFREAD IT. People I’m friends with know that I am opinionated and prefers talking about social issues (just the latest happenings but nothing like shoving a side for my truth or something), politics, how to help with the SDGs (Ma’am Jazz be proud hahaha char), Hollywood, movies, music, and of course my friends’ monthly dose of heartache stories but I also have this side where I don’t really much of a talker.

And I just realized that the previous paragraph just became a blur of multiple thoughts which are put together in an ugly way. Deal with it.

• I am pressured by the niche I’m trying to create with my blog. I want to stay as genuinely as possible and have this site reflect the person that I am right now but the word blogger is just too much. Back when I was starting, blogging is a platform to express and just be the person you want to be and that draws me. I want to express and touch lives by reflecting their thoughts that they can’t voice out which leave them feel vulnerable and alone. Now, it’s about people branding themselves as blogger for the sake of brands, popularity, and impression meter. (Disclaimer: I don’t intend to insult or belittle anyone, I’m happy with what everyone is doing or targeting with their blogs. I hope it brings you happiness too.) Sometimes, I’m pressured to publish a content for the sake of being active but I keep thinking “Will you feel good about it? After its trend, will you still want it to linger in your blog?”

• When people address me as blogger I always try to correct them and say that I write. I want to be labelled as writer. Content creator. Storyteller. I want to create content and have my readers reap something from it. It doesn’t matter if they agree or question it, I just want them to see that there’s a point in there somewhere and I want their minds to think and see where I’m coming from (Tarlac City- Lol me for trying to be funny).

• I just watched Sierra Burgess is a Loser and it sure damn went well. To be honest, I already thought that it’ll be a great movie even just by watching the trailer months ago but what I didn’t expect is the way I reacted to it. I already thought that it will showcase life lessons and that I’ll like it but it threw me off guard because I thought it would be super funny at the same time, let’s say my snotty self has its eyebrow raised. I cried my hearts out. I super relate with Sierra’s character a lot it almost hard to detach myself from the movie. It’s like I’m watching my own life- minus boy drama of course- played on a 1080p resolution in front of my screen. Sierra knows her worth but sometimes life happens and insecurity slips in and it just makes you think and do ugly stuff. Sierra is so afraid of the shadows of the people around her she almost forgot it was already her shadow that hinders her, and your shadow shouldn’t be that tall and perhaps that’s the problem. It supposed to be casted around you, not above you.

• A friend checks me out and ask me how's life- and I almost broke down. I was in a cycle not knowing I was tired until someone told me I am tired. It’s like I was too tired to even think for myself, to realize that the things I’m doing makes me tired, and unhappy. But sometimes happiness will not always be there, a lesson I learned the hard way. I keep on expecting and looking forward to the happy days that when it’s time for melancholy to kick in, I was always caught off guard. But now I knew better and it doesn’t mean I have it all figured out, I just know that it’ll come and it’ll be ugly but there’ll be no way around it so we just need to suck it up.

I just want to end this with you telling that you might suck but who doesn’t? Sulk and suck it up. That ain’t your last, I’m sure it’s not.