THE TOLL ON BEING
ADULT
I know for a fact that I’ve been an independent lady since I
was a teen, sometimes even to a fault. During those times I wasn’t really
thinking about it, I didn’t analyze it at all. But now that I’m officially a
young adult, I now can see a different picture, and I don’t think I’ll ever be
ready for it but it seems like I don’t
have a choice anymore.
Remember those times where you heard about some relatives
getting sick and confined for observation? Or when you are the one who’s sick?
Back then your parents will leave you with your grandparents or relatives to
pay a visit to the sick or if you are the one who’s sick they are the ones who
sort out papers for your hospitalization and such. My younger self thought it
is a normal thing to do, of course you have to tend for the sick! But let’s
just say that my current self is going crazy wrapping her head about it.
It’s so hard being the adult and tending to the sick, even
harder if it’s someone who spent their lives tending for you. I’m not even
talking about critical stuff here, thank God for that. My mother got
hospitalized recently due to Hypertension (highest BP rate was 210/140) which
made me and my sister skip our works. When I was at the hospital I realized how
time flies so fast my inner 10-year old self almost thinks it’s a joke.
Is this how life is going to be from now on? I internally
asked. Me and my sisters are now the ones who tend to our elders, I mean I’m
neither against it nor piss about it, maybe just a little overwhelm by the fact
that we already have this huge responsibility which we are willing to carry on.
And yet nobody prepares us for this!
Tending for an elder is not something new to the family
since we have our Grandma staying with us, not being braggy but I think we
somehow mastered the art of giving meds, bathing, and making sick people eat
especially when they are being hard headed and moody at the same time.
I think what makes my gut clench harder is the fact that
whenever Mama get sick we also have to look after Lola at the same time, and
vice versa. If Lola is sick or not feeling well we have to break the news
lightly as to not make our mother nervous or she might get hypertensive. On the
other hand, when Mama feel sick we can’t tell it to Lola because we know that
she will respond to the news negatively and we can’t afford to let her emotion overrule
because we know that her almost 92-year old body can’t take the pressure and
anxiety anymore.
I just find it overwhelming that the children in all of us
are now young adults.
Cheers to faking and getting by.
So I was (maybe still am) on a writing hiatus due to some
unexplainable reasons and right now I just want to write down my thoughts- more
like words or phrases if you’d ask me because they’re incoherent. So you just
have to roll with it. Here’s a life in a bullet!
- For the past few weeks I feel like I was too busy with work,
paper works keeps my feet motionless sometimes it scares me to even think about
it.
- I feel like I somehow took things for granted and it causes
my plans to be just like that- just plans. No action taken and I was mad and
disappointed at myself. I was this tiny fireball aiming for this fuel hoping it
will help me shine harder, I was too naïve and disregard the fact or even the
idea that it must cost me something and it does, I ended up with burns and
bruises placed deeper within me .
- Okay this is funny and I might sound like a total attention
seeker and pseudo-shy (lol is that even a word? Haha) but I was so afraid and
overwhelmed by the fact that I was really doing this. I mean, I am writing and when I write I always pours my heart
out. So what’s terrifying? It’s the fact that I am vulnerable to people I don’t
talk deep with. AND BECAUSE OF MY GRAMMATICAL ERRORS THAT YOU SEE PROBABLY A
LOT BECAUSE I’M DAMN TOO LAZY TO PROOFREAD IT. People I’m friends with know
that I am opinionated and prefers talking about social issues (just the latest
happenings but nothing like shoving a side for my truth or something), politics, how to help with the SDGs (Ma’am
Jazz be proud hahaha char), Hollywood, movies, music, and of course my friends’
monthly dose of heartache stories but I also have this side where I don’t
really much of a talker.
And I just realized that the previous paragraph just became a
blur of multiple thoughts which are put together in an ugly way. Deal with it.
- I am pressured by the niche I’m trying to create with my
blog. I want to stay as genuinely as possible and have this site reflect the
person that I am right now but the word blogger
is just too much. Back when I was starting, blogging is a platform to express
and just be the person you want to be and that draws me. I want to express and
touch lives by reflecting their thoughts that they can’t voice out which leave
them feel vulnerable and alone. Now, it’s about people branding themselves as
blogger for the sake of brands, popularity, and impression meter. (Disclaimer:
I don’t intend to insult or belittle anyone, I’m happy with what everyone is
doing or targeting with their blogs. I hope it brings you happiness too.)
Sometimes, I’m pressured to publish a content for the sake of being active but
I keep thinking “Will you feel good about it? After its trend, will you still
want it to linger in your blog?”
- When people address me as blogger I always try to correct
them and say that I write. I want to be labelled as writer. Content creator.
Storyteller. I want to create content and have my readers reap something from
it. It doesn’t matter if they agree or question it, I just want them to see
that there’s a point in there somewhere and I want their minds to think and see
where I’m coming from (Tarlac City- Lol me for trying to be funny).
- I just watched Sierra
Burgess is a Loser and it sure damn went well. To be honest, I already
thought that it’ll be a great movie even just by watching the trailer months
ago but what I didn’t expect is the way I reacted to it. I already thought that
it will showcase life lessons and that I’ll like it but it threw me off guard
because I thought it would be super funny at the same time, let’s say my snotty
self has its eyebrow raised. I cried my hearts out. I super relate with
Sierra’s character a lot it almost hard to detach myself from the movie. It’s
like I’m watching my own life- minus boy drama of course- played on a 1080p
resolution in front of my screen. Sierra knows her worth but sometimes life
happens and insecurity slips in and it just makes you think and do ugly stuff.
Sierra is so afraid of the shadows of the people around her she almost forgot
it was already her shadow that hinders her, and your shadow shouldn’t be that
tall and perhaps that’s the problem. It supposed to be casted around you, not
above you.
- A friend checks me out and ask me how's life- and I almost broke down. I was in
a cycle not knowing I was tired until someone told me I am tired. It’s like I was too tired to even think for myself, to
realize that the things I’m doing makes me tired, and unhappy. But sometimes
happiness will not always be there, a lesson I learned the hard way. I keep on
expecting and looking forward to the happy days that when it’s time for
melancholy to kick in, I was always caught off guard. But now I knew better and
it doesn’t mean I have it all figured out, I just know that it’ll come and
it’ll be ugly but there’ll be no way around it so we just need to suck it up.
I just want to end this with you telling that you might suck
but who doesn’t? Sulk and suck it up. That ain’t your last, I’m sure it’s not.