“To acquire a position that is relevant and will help me hone my skills in the field of multimedia, communication, and journalism, and to be able to expand my experience through various trainings that will help me grow as an individual.”

That, my friend, is my objective written on my outdated resumé that I decided to update recently.

For the past years I always knew that I wanted to pursue a career in multimedia and communication. I am fond of the entertainment industry that I once dream to work with Aamir Khan (his films are just so good and I’ve been crushing on him for the longest time haha) under his production company not just because of his good looks or his acting skills but also because of his film stories and concepts. I wanted to contribute and be part of a project that is not just milking money from the audience but also giving awareness while entertaining the masses.

I want to have a cause.

During college I somehow forgotten my wishful and highly quest to work with Khan and just focus on how to survive the program I went into, but I know that I still wanted to be part of the entertainment industry. I know the spark is still there.

Looking back, it’s all a blur now because of too much dramas and activities. I’m not sure when the fire started to diminish, I just know that I’m not that eager compare to my younger self anymore.

I know that I still want to be part of multimedia and communication when I reach the finish line of my tertiary education by default, but I have to be practical for the sake of my pressured younger self.

I always knew that it’ll be hard, but it was harder when you feel like there’s a mental time bomb that you have to detonate by means of choosing the path you have to take the soonest possible as to not let the building explode into tiny bits.

So I choose, and I chose a calmer environment.

There’s nothing wrong with a calm environment, it’s actually good, but if you’ve been faced with a fast phased setting that you have been calling your comfort zone; living a calm and serene environment is really not that comfortable, at least at the start.

Did I regret my decision? No. I didn’t regret my decision that led me to where I am right now, I just hope I did more. I knew I could have done more at the same time, a lesson I have to keep reminding myself.

In a span of more than a year, I realized so many things. I combat personal trials and challenges that made me weak and strong at the same time because I rise above them. I learned.

I learn that there’s so much more to learn, there so much thing to do, so many people to know about. So many problems we have to face.

In journalism we often hear the line ‘There’s two side of a story’ and in layman’s there is the ‘there are two side of a coin’. But how about the edge of the coin, the part that combine the two side that we often neglect because we keep our focus on the head and tail? How about the third person point-of-view of a story? The bigger picture POVs?

If there’s a line our Introduction to Communication class taught me it is that, Mass Media is pervasive. It’s not just because the word pervasive caught my attention because it’s new to me back then but also because of that realization that it is really pervasive as per discussion.

I may not be part of an entertainment company or work under Aamir Khan’s company right now, but I write. I still write and I’ll keep writing, that’s still part of mass media.

I share things and thoughts that I know not all can relate to and understand but what’s important for me is that I’m still writing. I’m still trying to have a cause despite my grammatical imperfections and errors.

This might not what my younger self envisions her to be at but she’ll understand.

I realize that this is not me failing to fulfill my younger self’s vision. This is not a failure. This is me knowing that there’s a reason and knowing that if I’ll label this as a failure it is still the younger self that’s talking and that means I haven’t grown up. But if I say that my younger self has been wrong to dream then my current self haven’t learned a lesson either.

If I invalidate my younger self opinions, views, and dreams then my current self will be invalidated as well. Just because you change your stand doesn’t mean you’e wrong, you just knew something new and realize things. You grew up.

We often hear the saying ‘think outside the box’ but why do we have to box ourselves in the first place? There’s no box that limits us, only a storage that we must carry to fill with learnings and experience.

And my learnings from the past year can be summed up with my updated resumé objective which I’ll leave as a parting message.

“To acquire a position that is relevant not just in my field of study and expertise but also to my journey as a young adult individual which will help me achieve my dreams to further my learnings in various fields that is not limited to communication, multimedia, and journalism.”

  TERESA GUECO IS A TARLAC-BASED LIFESTYLE AND PERSONAL BLOGGER

THE TOLL ON BEING ADULT

I know for a fact that I’ve been an independent lady since I was a teen, sometimes even to a fault. During those times I wasn’t really thinking about it, I didn’t analyze it at all. But now that I’m officially a young adult, I now can see a different picture, and I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for it but it seems like I  don’t have a choice anymore.

Remember those times where you heard about some relatives getting sick and confined for observation? Or when you are the one who’s sick? Back then your parents will leave you with your grandparents or relatives to pay a visit to the sick or if you are the one who’s sick they are the ones who sort out papers for your hospitalization and such. My younger self thought it is a normal thing to do, of course you have to tend for the sick! But let’s just say that my current self is going crazy wrapping her head about it.

It’s so hard being the adult and tending to the sick, even harder if it’s someone who spent their lives tending for you. I’m not even talking about critical stuff here, thank God for that. My mother got hospitalized recently due to Hypertension (highest BP rate was 210/140) which made me and my sister skip our works. When I was at the hospital I realized how time flies so fast my inner 10-year old self almost thinks it’s a joke.

Is this how life is going to be from now on? I internally asked. Me and my sisters are now the ones who tend to our elders, I mean I’m neither against it nor piss about it, maybe just a little overwhelm by the fact that we already have this huge responsibility which we are willing to carry on. And yet nobody prepares us for this!

Tending for an elder is not something new to the family since we have our Grandma staying with us, not being braggy but I think we somehow mastered the art of giving meds, bathing, and making sick people eat especially when they are being hard headed and moody at the same time.

I think what makes my gut clench harder is the fact that whenever Mama get sick we also have to look after Lola at the same time, and vice versa. If Lola is sick or not feeling well we have to break the news lightly as to not make our mother nervous or she might get hypertensive. On the other hand, when Mama feel sick we can’t tell it to Lola because we know that she will respond to the news negatively and we can’t afford to let her emotion overrule because we know that her almost 92-year old body can’t take the pressure and anxiety anymore.

I just find it overwhelming that the children in all of us are now young adults.

Cheers to faking and getting by.

So I was (maybe still am) on a writing hiatus due to some unexplainable reasons and right now I just want to write down my thoughts- more like words or phrases if you’d ask me because they’re incoherent. So you just have to roll with it. Here’s a life in a bullet!

And I just realized that the previous paragraph just became a blur of multiple thoughts which are put together in an ugly way. Deal with it.

I just want to end this with you telling that you might suck but who doesn’t? Sulk and suck it up. That ain’t your last, I’m sure it’s not.

“I don’t want you to decipher anything… or to analyze. I want you to tell me what you felt when you read it.”

That line is very simple and probably one of the lines that lately affected me. It was said to me by a dear friend when she asked me about my opinion of a line from a book (if you are reading this, sorry I used your line without asking permission first, I just need to share this realization).

Can you remember the moment we transition from ‘read the lines’ to ‘read between the lines’? As a child, we were taught to read and understand the simplest meaning of a sentence.

“Ana, may gatas ka pa sa labi.”

It means that Ana still has milk residue on her lips. And then you have to underline the noun, verb, etc. The main objective here is to get the gist and instruction, if there’s one, of every sentences.

On reading comprehension test your teacher probably gave you short story and the normal question were, “Who bought medicine for Lorna?” A typical WH- question and they are all so easy to answer! Like, more of that question please.

And then later on, they helped us develop our critical thinking skills. One-word answer to a WH- question won’t suffice anymore. You need to elaborate it more, make a sentence like,

“Gabbie bought the medicine for CJ.”

Next, they makes us understand the hidden meaning of some lines. They start us with introducing salawikain, sawikain, and bugtong and make us answer fill in the blank questions such as:

“Kapag may itinanim, may _________.”

To further it more, they let us give our own meaning and interpretation to some phrases.

“Ana, may gatas ka pa sa labi’

Now, that means that Ana doesn’t have milk residue. It now means that Ana is still young.

“Gabbie bought the medicine for CJ.”

Gabbie now bought CJ’s medicine because their other siblings are too busy with their own lives to take care of their youngest sibling.

They taught us to read between the lines, to overthink things, because apparently that’s how life seems to be. One step forward and you know the end result of it since every scenarios that might have happened already played inside your head.

We eventually realize that people might be saying different from what they really wanted to say so we have to watch for other clues with the way they say it; intonation, hand gesture, and facial expression.

And then when it comes to writing they taught us to write and read technically. I’m no pro at writing, just a disclaimer, I’ll just share to you the common things that flow naturally while writing.

In news writing, your piece should be precise, timely, and should contain the gist of the story with the shortest number of words. In literary rhyming is very important, like a vital part. In features writing it encourages writer to make their piece of work as relatable to the reader as much as possible, freestyle kumbaga.

My writings lean more on features writing. It’s not that I hate other type of writing that are more technical, it’s just that I want my work to reach someone as quickly as possible. I want to convey the message the easiest way.

So when my friend asked me what I think about the line from a book, I gave my technical view. I told her that the line was a bit vague for me to decipher. That the words used are too deep for me to comprehend easily.

To be honest I had difficulty really ‘reading’ it because it’s too metaphorically written. And then when she said those line, it hit me.

We are so engrossed to know what the writer wanted to say, we are so curious, that sometimes we forget that some writer wanted you to feel something too. Just to feel.

Academe, at our young age, taught us that everything has a meaning if we only know how to ‘read’ it but I think it forgot to teach us that some things are here to make us feel.

We don’t need to fill our mind solely with answers to questions. We should also focus on our emotions. We might understand the word ‘sorry’ and its meaning but can we say and use it with empathy? We focus on knowing things than feeling. And maybe that’s how we hurt more easily.

We think, think, and think. And then we forget to feel.

In this world full of know-it-all wannabes, be a feel-it-all britney-b**ch. (Lol, don’t know why I wrote that Hahaha)

There’s nothing wrong with knowing things, you just have to also know that you have to feel too.

Some lines are destined to be vague, and we might never know the answer as to why but we have to deal with it.

I have a secret to tell.

If you’ve read some of my entries here you probably notice that when I talk about beauty I always associate it with inner beauty. I don’t usually align it with perfect makeup look or the normal standard of being called pretty, I always highlight strength and other human’s features which is not synonymous to face value aesthetics. But just to be clear it doesn’t mean that I’m snob with that kind of beauty or that I can’t appreciate those pretty people out there because in fact I’m kind of jealous of them.

Contrary to other beliefs, I’m a normal teen who enjoys fashion and beauty as much as the next girl in the mean girls group. I have tons of fashion and beauty magazines that I scan and look for inspirations and ideas even on normal days! I’m just a lowkey.

During college I went to a phase where I’ve been super stress and it showed on my skin. I had couple of major breakouts that I was so stress about, but not stress enough like acads’, which eventually took its toll on my skin and damaged my self-esteem. Looking back I think the reason why I didn’t mind that stress or my breakouts is the fact that I don’t have time to stress on it because of my busy life studying and being active with orgs in college, and of course let’s give credit to my ‘fake it until you make it’ mantra.

I have a very sensitive skin and it’s been a crazy journey. I tried different products and some even damaged my skin than do good. And during those time I realize how I was craving for more when I had enough. Pre-breakout era I always complain with my visible pores and black/white heads, I wanted to get a fair and poreless skin and with that in mind I tried using products that might have contributed with the breakouts that I had.

Whenever I look at the mirror I always tell my reflection that if only those zits will disappear, I’ll never ask for more. I’ll just leave my skin and will not ask for more, period.

Some people notice that I don’t use makeup, even at work, and it’s not because I despise it. I have bag of makeups, it’s just that I’m not into it.

Okay fine, I’m a bit scared.

I’m scared that I’ll be dependent on it and that there will be time where I can’t go out without dolling myself. I’m honestly terrified that I’ll based my self-worth on how thick and perfect my ‘kolorete’ and that when the time comes I quit it, I’ll be less for myself.

Sometimes I can’t help but wonder what’s the real face of those women I ride jeep along without their makeup on? And how they identify or describe their bare-face.

Again, there’s nothing wrong with loving makeups and enhancing the skin and body you are in. This is just my personal opinion and this does not invalidate your preference in life. I just want to answer those people who keep saying I should do this and that.

I do want to look and feel good. One time I ask why some people are blessed to have porcelain skin when all I got is a super sensitive and oily one.

Growing up with lots of insecurities, you don’t know the level of me wanting to be pretty. All the social standard of how you should be whiter than white, or how you should have this straight silky hair keeps on pestering everyone that one day I’m just finally done trying to please everyone. I’m done changing myself to fit in. I just want a hassle-free life. Of course, there are still times that I feel like dolling up myself but I like to do it on occasions, not daily.

I don’t want to live a life I know I can’t commit to. I want people to like me the way that I am because I know dolling up is a thing I can’t commit for a lifetime. I think there’s something to do with our growing environment. Although I have 4 siblings, makeup has never been a common thing for us. Mama won’t let us wear makeup unless there’s an occasion until it became us. Always free of makeups (and now our Mother sometimes tell us to put some lol the alpha and omega haha).

But if you wish to gift me some, by all means do so. I’m not a makeup snob, just too lazy to care I guess?

Yes, it has been a year since I graduated from college. And it may have been so long ago, but for me it’s seems like just yesterday. I remember how unpredictable the weather that week- it is sometimes superhot that when the day of the graduation came my makeup almost melted totally and the fact that we have to line up under the scorching heat, but there are times where rain poured so hard.

My peg was to really look classy so I got my hair on a low bun, red lipstick, and an ankle-length moss green dress with v-shape back that was made by my Lola. Thankfully I didn’t went through the troubles of searching for something to wear on my grad because Lola is a dressmaker (but she’s too old that she don’t do business stuff anymore) and at the same time I had the chance to choose a design for me, super win.

So enough of the trip down the memory lane, where am I now?

The past 12 months has never been easy. I had to fight many battles, mostly personal and professional and I’m thankful that I had my friends with me. We have our own battles but it’s more bearable to know that we have backups when we hit setbacks.

Today, I went out with friends and yesterday I met with my HS friends and it was a bliss. I can’t remember the last time I lost count of the time because I was playing arcade. After a while, I realize something. I realize that I might get lost in the future but the people around me will be my anchor and that the happiness they give will keep me afloat and safe. They’ll save me without knowing it and without asking for anything in return. I realized that sometimes you don’t need someone who can listen to your story especially if you can’t even figure out how to tell it, what’s important is that you know that there is someone out there for you who can make you laugh and remind you what happiness feels like.

It’s sick how I know some people who suffer losses, setbacks, and disappointments over the span of year when they didn’t deserve it. People whom I think are pure awesome and great started doubting their selves as if they have been a failure when all that they have become is a strong-challenged human being.

On a social media app someone ask me about my insecurities and to be honest I don’t know how to answer it without looking kawawa so I had to go with a movie line that somehow relates to me. Pressure. It was just later on that I realized how to use pressure and expectations as a weapon of strength. And up until now I still haven’t mastered it yet but I’m working on it. I’m trying and I’ll keep on trying.

The funny thing is people keeps on thanking me for having there by their side and for sticking when they don’t have anything to thank to. It has been a very challenging year for emotional battles and I am grateful too that they chose me to be there when they are having battles, I appreciate that I got to be an anchor and a breather in this suffocating life but I’m also grateful with them because I get to be free and contented. And that they made me feel special and important when times and challenges made me think otherwise.

Just like what I said on my previous post, I don’t have life figured out and it’s fine because we still have a lot to do and create. I’m now working in an administrative post and do writing as a breather but we can never know what life has to offer until we fully jump on it.

And I say ‘you jump, I jump’. ( movie reference again haha )

-Post intended for June 2018 posting

I always say this and I’ll say it again, I grow up as an independent woman, and I’m friends with great women as well. I celebrate individuality and I advocate for women. Through the years I was surrounded by great and fierce females, starting from my very lovable (and sometimes strict) Lola and always strict and fierce Mama.

Growing up, I never experienced disadvantage being a woman. Maybe it’s because we’re most girls in the family (Lola, Mama, 5 girl siblings, and Papa) and so there are no issue of inequality in terms of gender inside our home. Aside from my Grade 1 crying experience because of my male classmate who often kicks my chair (just to annoy me, it’s just subtle tho), which got him a spank because I tattled out, I can’t remember having similar issues that’s worth noting of.

You see, woman discrimination is a common and serious issue that we face but I never felt the weight of it firsthand because of my upbringing and the people I’m surrounded with. I hope this sounds not too braggy but when you are surrounded with fierce and confident women who knows their worth and gives you strength to believe, you started to feed it too inside you. You absorb it until it becomes part of you, and then you are one of them already.

When someone catcalled you the first thing you would want to do (if you can’t help your outburst) is to punch them in the face and kick their guts while muttering words I-shall-not-put-into-words-in-here and not being like a scared kitten (I know this is not applicable to all cases but if it’s applicable then it is right to hope to expect this kind of reaction).

I remember a colleague hang for her dear life on me right after a party we attended that ends at 8:30PM. I was about to go to SM that time and she asked me what path I’m going to take, I said I’ll take the overpass, she then asked me whom I am with and I said just me.

I don’t know but I am shocked by her reaction and on what she said.

‘Hindi ka ba natatakot? Anong oras na atska mag-isa ka. Ako kasi natatakot, diba yung sa Manila…’

I don’t know where I’ll be more concerned. The fact that she is some years older than me and yet she’s scared or the fact that I personally find it weird to be scared in that early hour.

I don’t know about you but I think you don’t get to scare people easily who are accustomed in going home past midnight and sometimes walk some blocks after a tiring school project and school activity to their home since there are no available tricycle because everyone is already sleeping.

On the same day, I happen to have watched a social experiment online of a girl waiting for someone along the streets of Manila. On the experiment she got hit by 4 out of 5 drivers who urged her to come with them and even offered her some money in exchange for her ‘service’, only one driver asks her if she’s okay and told her to keep safe and just book a taxi instead.

This social experiment reminded me of the line HER BODY, HER CHOICE. Today, most people think that it’s all about how the woman dress up or act. And I find it unfair, because in the video the lady was well dress and covered and yet she got unwanted male attention just by what, standing beside the street?

And just as we thought that we had it all, people then start saying things that degrades people who bears ovaries and fallopian tubes. What’s worse is that people with authority whom we expect to neutralize the issue just added salt to the wound.

Man are tougher. Women are built for home. Women can’t fight a war because they are not built for it

.

Oh man, I wish all our unsung Filipina warriors visit you in your sleep and fight you. Yes, warriors. In plural form.

The main problem and the key to solve this all is to educate people. Tell women that they can be whoever they want to be and tell men that women are not their enemies!

Not built for wars? Then train them, educate them, mold them. They were not train because you keep on worshipping this patriarchal system that has been outdated by newer systems.

When a man cheat you’ll often hear that they have needs that must be satisfied, never mind the needs and feelings of his partner. They don’t take it as their mistake but rather an incompetence of the woman they are with.

It’s all about being macho for guys- most guys. But it’s a very different issue when it comes to woman.

A known personality was degraded because she had an affair with her driver. The issue was used to criticize and destroy her image. She was called names and her capability to lead was tainted with the fact that she had an affair with her driver. Of all the things they threw at her the most damaging is her being called a homewrecker.

If it’s a man it will not have gotten the same intensity she had because, surprise, man are macho and they have needs.

Don’t hinder girls who wants to dress rather teach people to respect them. If we can just live and teach people how to respect one another without the bias of gender, nationality, race, and religion then this issue will be over.

To the boys, I know (and really hope) that there are still someone out there who are good and who respect woman and I know reading this might hate me but we can’t deny that this is happening. Discrimination and gender-bias moments still happen. I don’t say all man are like this, that’s why I use most, and you have the power to eliminate this kind of issues for your future daughters and female loved ones.

For the ladies out there, just a reminder that people will not spoon feed the empowerment we have been asking for too long. It’s us who will have to get and demand it from them so that when the next time two man eyed you while warming up just before your jogging routine you can also just stare straight at them back and trust me, because I did it, it’s funny how liberating it feels to make them feel squeamish just by doing that little thing.

Until people are uneducated of their rights and their worth nobody can be safe from the power of the people they think higher than them.

I can’t remember the last article about my life- the ongoing stuff about my life- so I decided to make one. To be honest, I think my subconscious is just too tired of collecting a single powerful thought/topic out of the fragments I get while riding PUJs, taking shower, or while walking home. One moment I have this topic about dreams and then the next about society, and some other topic that I can’t put into writings so you just have to make do with what I have in here.

For the past months I’ve been at my lowest in terms of productivity. I go to work, eat, sleep, wake up, and then repeat. I was able to do things but I don’t feel productive unlike when I was in college. I feel like I don’t have my life’s leash, like I left it somewhere else. That feeling lingered for quite some time until I became too desperate that even I pity myself for being like that.

It was all of a sudden, one morning I grab a leggings and an extra tshirt and then the next thing I know is that I was heading to the nearest park of my office to jog. The first is always the hardest, that’s what they always say and I guess they are right. Prior to my first jog I already planned to run weeks before but I can’t make myself to do it because I keep second guessing. The first time was plain terrifying. Only some knew this because I don’t usually say this out loud, because I’m working on it on my own, but I have anxiety problems with people. You might see me as this friendly gal but deep inside my thin bone marrow is a scared and shy girl who hates spotlight and strange crowd. On my first run I got skeptical because it’s still a bit sunny so people can easily see and recognize me, plus the fact that there are bystanders around the park who eye every runner that passes by, and because I’m plain shy.

So instead forcing myself to do 5 laps on my first attempt, I conditioned myself with warm up exercises and decided to take just 2 laps and an ascend/descend exercise with the stairs for 20 times. Girl, I know it’s like a baby step but I might be on a baby body too for not being physically active for almost a year. When I feel like my lung is burning I took a rest and just sit.

The second time is also a pain because I have to remind myself that I need to do it. I need to continue what I started. And thankfully I did it, with 2 laps and more side dish exercises. And then came the third run. I’m beyond thankful that I got back to jogging because I already feel the difference. Before the jogging decision I noticed that I am easily tired but just after 3 run I felt something different. I now can run for 3 laps with short breaks. And on my fourth run I did 5 laps run, total of 3mins chair squat (not really sure what you call it, will research), 10 ascend/descend stair, 20 reps lunge jump, and stretching (lol).

So Thet, what’s the gist? Are you telling us to run and be fit? Do you think it’ll float our boats?

Yes, I think people should try to better their lives but it’s still yours to decide how. Will it float your boat? That, I’m not sure. We are different and so our needs will also be different.

What I’m trying to say is that this is my way to redeem myself. That I was able to say ’At last, I have something I’m in control of. Something little, but something I did and should be proud of.’ And I think you should too.

For the past few months, it’s been a super bumpy ride and I know this is just a small ray of sunshine but nonetheless it’s still a ray of light, and that is something we should celebrate.

You don’t need to have control with the major events in your life because one tiny activity is enough to make you thrive and reach that second step higher.

Hearing and reading whatnots about Mental Health Awareness is all over the internet, and do you know how effective it is? Well, to be honest I don’t know. People share posts and give ‘you can always talk to me’ lines but I don’t think people who are already sinking can see the worth of it all. Some just do it for the sake of being in and not for the real reason why awareness campaigns were made.

STIGMA. I think I have the rights to say this since I have friends who got depressed and did something which the society thinks wrong. When you’ve been through hell and back people will brand you as weak. Did you had the urge to harm yourself? Had suicidal thoughts? If you did then it’s okay. I’m no way urging everyone to do those things but do you know why I said it’s okay? It’s because it was done in the past and we can’t do anything about it but to be with them and listen. We always say we are there to listen but sometimes listening is not enough. Sometimes people just want someone who can understand them, who they can talk to without lecturing them of all the things they wrongly did as if they had a choice aside from being sad. People have different coping abilities and it’s just a matter of how and when, you can’t spoon feed a process they can’t work with because it might break them even more. I think the reason people opted not to share is because some will think they are weak and knowing people tiptoes around you or watches over you in case you break is a big stab of confidence.

Be there and trust that your friend can make it through it all. You don’t have to teach her how to stand up and tiptoe around her because she know how to do it, it’s just a matter of being there in the background and not treating her as a fragile glass even after she totally got herself together.

PRESSURE. I had this shower-thought sometime last year about craziness. I remember the story of Vivian, a mentally challenged lady who always have a notepad and a pen and roams around the town while scribbling, and according to the stories she got crazy because she’s too intelligent. I had a question after reminiscing her story; is it her intelligence or the pressure of being intelligent?

Today, in our society if you are intelligent people expects too much from you. Good grades always connotes to being successful and I think that is somehow unfair. Sometimes people expects too much that you can’t even know if it’s still your plans or you are just now conforming with the society because it is what expected of you to  do and to be. I think being intelligent won’t make you crazy, it’s the pressure of being intelligent that can break you.

When people expects too much the only thing you can do is either find a way to break the invisible rope or satisfy them.

A pressured human being will then be mindful of his/her action and in the process they’ll forget how to risk. They’ll be afraid to risk because of the potential damage it might do to them if they failed.

And in that process, they already start failing and losing some of the happiness they once had.

DESERTED. I personally believe that being alone is not being lonely. As a sometimes-introvert I find peace and joy while enjoying my alone time whether it’s in the mall or inside the corners of our room. Recently I had a get-together with a circle and I realized that unlike other people I don’t hate being alone. I hate that people think that I am lonely during my lone time because that’s when I feel more lonely, because people starts telling me that I am alone.

Being lonely is not being a lone wolf, sometimes you get lonely in a sea of crowds.

I’ll just leave you with this line I read from a quote that I used as a twitter cover photo that I think no one notice when I felt lonely months ago: Lonely is when you have nobody to say that you are lonely.

When I was on my primary and growing up years people often ask what I wanted to be. Mama and Papa says I used to say I wanted to be a pilot (or is it a Flight Attendant?) but stop saying it aloud after I saw the 9/11 attack footage on TV (I still remember seeing the plane hit the tower on TV but I can’t recall about wanting to be a pilot/FA nor the abrupt diminish of my dream to be on the aviation field).

Back then I already know that I don’t know what I wanted to be and so it’s kinda hard because our teachers will asks us to make and write theme papers and essays about our dreams. But I have my go-to answer, and that’s to be a teacher. Why? Because, number one, my mother is a teacher so they’ll think it’s genetically inclined, and number two, the profession is honorable so no need to further elaborate my answer.

Honestly, I don’t want to be a teacher. It’s not that the job is not good or something, it’s just that seeing Mama everyday wakes up early in the morning to finish the paper works she wasn’t able to finished the night before makes me so tired. Yep, I got tired just by seeing her do it repeatedly so I said ‘I’m out’. I don’t want to be a teacher. I’m not that committed to be one. (But again, I’m not closing any doors permanently)

When I reach High School I got into books, big time. I can stay up to 3 hrs inside a bookstore just browsing through the titles and when I read, I really read without distraction. I remember reading the Beautiful Darkness in just a day where the only pause I get was when I eat (because I will be scolded if I bring my book on the table) or when… well, I can’t think of another one.

During high school my fondness for book influenced me to aspire as an author. And as a human being without concrete path I decided to choose AB Communication as my program in college.

Did I regret it? No, I don’t.

Even if I am still not an author, choosing AB Communication has been one of my greatest and proudest choices I’ve ever made in my life. Now, I’m in a different field and people expects too much of me and my life’s next adventures.

Contrary to what other thinks, I actually don’t have my life figured out and sometimes it’s frustrating but I try to keep my cool. It’s frustrating because the society makes you feel like you are a piece of crap for not being like others. You should be like this and that lines thrown at you verbal or non-verbally can be too much to bear and makes you doubt yourself.

People tend to be pessimist and think that they are stuck in a life where dreams are dead and magical unicorns are for crazy people who has an easy and figured out life.

I don’t believe in unicorns but when you have the chance to make life more beautiful, even if it’s not real, you grab it.

There’s too much ugliness in this world and it wouldn’t kill you to hold on to something that makes life more bearable.

You don’t have to have a 10-year plan laid out for your future. You don’t have to have a step-by-step plan; it’s just a matter of dreams and achieving your goals.

I don’t have life figured out but someday I hope that I’ll understand all of it. And that my purpose will satisfy my means and suffering.

So to everyone who doesn’t have their life figured out yet, whether you’re girl or boy, I am with you.

Cheers.

What word do you think will suit you best?

Ang lakas maka-tanong sa mga pageant pero have you think about it though? I mean think as in deep-inside deep, yung walang echos at ka-plastikan? For sure, everyone wants to be pretty, sexy, intelligent, and whatnots and that’s okay. I’ll be lying if I told you I haven’t dream being a ‘queen bee’ or whatever you call it kasi I did and everyone wants to be beautiful naman diba?

There is still a small percentage in me that hopes to be head-turner pretty but my introvert-self drags her in the back of my head almost every time so in the end laging nanalo yung introvert side of me (and it’s so meh).

There are a lot of adjectives that can be use to describe things, events, and people but how about you? How will you describe yourself?

To be honest I forgot how I ended up writing this topic, an idea just popped on my head to write about aesthetics that I often see on the internet.

I don’t know about you guys but opening and lingering on Instagram for too long is a little bit depressing for me some times. It seems like everybody had their lives figured out! It’s so pretty in there that I almost often question myself how on Earth am I doing with my life and how I’m being left behind.

In the upper corner I see my following’s daily adventures while mine stays empty. I feel like I’m on a time loop where I do things repeatedly, boring.

I honestly think that there is nothing pretty going on in my life, aesthetically speaking or not.

To be fair, I admit that I’m also at fault because I’m too lazy to update my social media accounts sometimes.

And although the vain part of me wishes an improved physical aesthetics, the majority of me want something else.

Even though most people revolves their life on the virtual world now, I still can’t make myself speed up to join them because I wanted something else.

Something that can be measured not by how little your pores are or how perfect your brows have been plucked but rather on the ability to be resilient.

I don’t think it’ll suit me just yet but I wish and hope that people will see me as such. That when someone says my name the first thing they’ll remember is not how pretty my face is or how my hair looks perfect even if it’s undone, maybe an afterthought will be nice tho. Hahahaha

I want to be labeled as strong.

Some might think that I am strong now and some even told me how I intimidate (but I don’t believe this) people of my life’s standing but behind all of this outer hard shell is a frightened lady.

I’m pretty brave and risky but don’t let it played you because everyone is brave and strong, it’s not just me. Some are even braver than me.

And sometimes my ‘pretty brave’ becomes ‘pretty grave’ because of my actions which lead me to unfavorable state.

I use my strength for me to not be dragged by society’s standard and my vainness hope to be an IG-worthy people. Pretty, flawless, and happy.

Well, I just have to ask.

People, how do you do it? I know life is pretty awful sometimes but you sure have it all laid out perfectly fine.

On fleek brows, perfect partners, happy, spontaneous travels, and high end products.

I haven’t seen a single person post how miserable their lives are, well except for writers and poets with their captions, you all have this perfectly grown feed and it’s so pretty!

I know that there is a little chance for me to be like that.

And that’s the reason why I wanted to be known as strong.

I want to be strong because I know life can get ugly and unbearable. I know it can make me do things unconsciously just for the hype of it. I know that I might break.

I want to be a strong woman.

I want people to know me as this strong person who may not have paved the runways or stages but can crawl through the darkest and muddiest phase of life for dear life. I want to be this strong person and say that everyone can be as strong as I am or even stronger.

I want to be this strong person that people can look up to when aesthetic failed them. When prettiness is too much to bear, when it already engulfs them away from safety, and when pretty becomes pretty ugly.

I want to be strong so that I can lend some strength to those who needs it.

I wasn’t born to be pretty.

And I might not have been born strong but I will be, I have to be.

I’ll try to be.

There’s nothing wrong with loving who you are ‘cause it made you perfect. (Virtual high five for those who got it)

But seriously, wanting to be beautiful is not a crime. Some are born with natural pretty face and you have to embrace it. Claim it. I won’t pretty-shame you just because you are that IG people I’m not getting. It’s just so wrong.

One thing I realized is that people becomes prettier when they love the skin they’re in. If you love the person you are becoming to be then that’ll make you pretty but before you can love your skin it’ll take you a leap of courage and strength to do so.

So to all the people out there, let’s all be pretty strong. Pretty or pretty not.

Victoria, Tarlac

Hello everyone, so to make it up on my MIA weeks I decided to create this TMI tag for you to know me better, if you wanted to but no pressure. Hahaha So without further ado, here it is.

1.      What is your biggest turn off in a person?

Airheaded (mahingin lang yan sa tagalog hahaha) and

too confident that it hurts someone already.

2.      What is your biggest turn on in a person?

Funny, eloquent, witty, and can fight for their stand.

3.      Are you like your zodiac sign suggests that you should be?

4.      At what age did you realize Santa was not real?

Wait, what?!?! (Lol)

5.      What is the best compliment you have ever received?

That I always have the right word at the right time for the people around me.

6.      What is the biggest lie you ever told?

Well, my Lola lied for me when I damaged an appliance when I was younger (Grade 1). She lied for me and I didn’t told the truth either so I guess that’s still lying.

7.      Do you hate anyone right now?

Yes and it’s normal.

8.      Do you have any hiding piercing’s? If yes, where?

I wish.

9.      Do you have any tattoos? If yes what do they mean?

None.

10.  Do you miss anyone right now?

I miss a thing, my college life. Lol

11.  Do you smoke?

Yep, unfortunately I’m a second-hand smoker.

12.  To your knowledge, have you ever been cheated on?

People cheat all the time. My sister just cheated on me for a slice of cake earlier!

13.  Have you ever been in a physical fight?

YES! Sister fights.

14.  Have you ever been in a relationship?

Nope.

15.  Have you ever been in love?

Yes, but not romantically. Why does people always connect being in love romantically, I still don’t get it.

16.  Have you ever been betrayed by someone you care about?

Yes.

17.  Have you ever lied to get out of trouble?

Yes, read No. 6.

18.  Have you ever used somebody for your personal gain?

Yes. Oooops. Hahaha

19.  How far have you gone to get something you desired?

You have no idea.

20.  What do you weight?

50 kgs.

21.  How tall are you?

5’4’’

22.  If you could bring back a person from the dead who would you bring back?

23.  If you could choose one Disney princess to be your best friend who would you chose?

Belle.

24.  If you could get married to any celebrity who would it be?

Ben Warren character on Grey’s Anatomy!!!

25.  If you had to live in the world of the last T.V show you watched where would you be living?

Local: Ika-6 na Utos (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Mama was watching it yesterday while we are cooking).

International: Scandal Season 4.

26.  Mention a movie that always makes you cry?

What A Girl Wants

27.  On a scale of 1-10, 10 being the highest, how horny are you?

7-ish

28.  What is the scariest thing you have ever experienced?

Local Carnival’s Octopus ride.

29.  What color of underwear are you wearing right now?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

30.  What do you think about the most?

Life, future, dreams, pain, happiness, love.

31.  What do you think is your sexiest feature?

Eyes, because it’s the window to the soul. lol

32.  What is a disgusting habit you have?

I hate brushing my hair. Hahaha

33.  What is a weird thing you love?

Letters! Snail Mails! Post cards!

34.  What is the sexiest feature you love in the opposite gender?

Eyes

35.  Mention something that is currently bothering you?

The report I’ve been doing for work that I can’t finish balancing!!!

36.  Mention something that makes you happy?

Writing, reading, breathing.

37.  Mention something that makes you sad?

The unknown future.

38.  Mention something you do when no one is watching?

Talk to myself. Lol

39.  What is something you like to do when you are sad?

Write and be sad hahaha

40.  What is the best gift you ever received

For me it’s my friends.

41.  What is the best gift you have ever given?

I don’t know. I just give letters, I’m thrifty like that. Hahaha

42.  What is the biggest fear you have overcome?

Local Carnival Ferris Wheel ride. Lol

43.  What is the worst gift you have ever given?

They say it’s the toothbrush holder since it uses more space! Hahaha

44.  What is your biggest fear?

That is something I won’t answer here. Lol Sorry

45.  What is your favorite holiday destination?

Baguio for now but I always wanted to go Tagaytay, I think I’ll enjoy it better.

46.  What is your zodiac sign?

Capricorn

47.  What was the last text you sent?

0950******* 60 to 808 (Pasaload! HAHAHAHA)

48.  What was the last thing that made you cry?

When I watch Grey’s Anatomy last week.

49.  What was the last thing that made you laugh?

I forgot. Every little thing can make me laugh.

50.  When is your birthday?

January 10

******

So that’s a wrap! I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. I might do some more in the future so stay tuned! No, I don't think I will. Whatever. Haha