I am healthy so why the heck do I need a cardio doctor for?

This is part two of my personal health story, read the first patt I had a health scare during COVID-19 pandemic and somehow I got lost

Other people my age suffer from emotional heart problems while I have possible physical heart illness. I know I'm healthy, but why do I need a cardio doctor?

As someone who’s been healthy her whole life, it’s unacceptable. I was never hospitalized, never had any grave illness, and essentially healthy so what the heck happened to me?

Of course, I am scared. And I was angry and in denial.

I don’t smoke, I don’t overeat, I don’t exercise religiously but I don’t let myself get extremely unfit, and I don’t drink even though I get a lot of jabs because of that preference of mine.

I’ve been good so what the heck happened? I mean, this can’t be happening to me, right?

As Grey’s Anatomy student, I somehow know how the heart works. I’ve seen how Cristina exhales a relief one moment and rush to get a crash cart the next. I know that heart illness might differ per gender just like what Miranda Bailey said and it is a despicable enemy who can attack whenever it wants.

I know those are based on a TV series but it’s based on reality and reality has never been a perfect place, to begin with.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I am scared and angry for a lot of reasons and those reasons are all valid.

For a few days, I was on denial but I also know that I should treat it seriously and so despite the fear I had I push myself to go and have it checked right away.

I DECIDED NOT TO PROLONG MY AGONY

Whenever there’s a thing that scares me, a thing that requires action, I always ask myself ‘why prolong the agony?’ and I instantly fake the courage to move on. I’m not saying it gives me the courage, it’s more like tricking my mind to see that by stalling it I actually hurt myself more.

With my decision to face it head-on, I had to endure the most difficult three days of my year due to my fear and nervousness.

Sunday was okay. I had a meeting and I had to meet my friends for an errand and it somehow became a quick and impromptu catching up session. It was good, I am productive and okay at that time, I was relaxed.

And although it was an impromptu catching up session for the squad, I opted not to tell them. My decision to not disclose it is not because I don’t trust them or that I’m closing myself off to them, it’s just about myself.

How can I tell them a thing that I can’t even accept and acknowledge? How can I have the courage to face them and share them the news when I can’t even face it and still can’t grasp the possibility that it is there?

Most of all, I cannot fake being okay while telling them what I am going through. I usually tell them everything, I am an open book but it’s not just about being lonely, it’s not about being dejected and feeling down, it’s me being coward and not wanting to face it.

My decision is selfish, I know, but that is me being selfish for myself. To be honest, I don’t care if they get mad at me or something, I just have to do it for myself, I have to deal it the way I was capable of dealing it that time.

And sometimes how people deal with things will never make sense to other people, and that’s life.

ACKNOWLEDGING IT

The night of Sunday came, and I was a mess. The severity of it all suddenly came rushing to me.

I was scared. 

It was a scary night for me. And as I was talking to a friend overseas it dawns on me that there are still some underlying emotions aside from fear. I realized that I am stressed with the pandemic and I still got other humane issues towards other people and I just blurted all of it to that friend.

After my breakdown, I felt better and I realized that a breakdown is what I needed. I need it to feel better and to have an outlet for my overflowing thoughts and emotions.

I’m still scared but I got it under control.

On Monday, I have work and need to report to the office. It was my first day after the COVID scare we had in our home since I need clearance before I get back to work.

It went well, I was able to do my job and not overthink about my situation.

It came to a point that I planned to delay my checkup for a couple of days to not get in the way of my work schedule. I was thinking, it’s okay to postpone since I felt good in the sense that I didn’t feel any symptoms that I felt for the past few days.

And then the night comes, and it was bad. I see myself catching my breathing even at rest and I feel my heart beats like crazy. I was taking a med from the family doctor that I went to and I decided to look at it on the internet. Bad move.

It triggers me to get more anxious. I’ve read what it is all about and found pieces of information. I found myself focusing on the grave illnesses that my medication is treating such as heart attack, artery blockage, etc.

Early that night, I message friends and talk to them about stuff to let the time pass and it’s all good until the time that I needed to sleep.

That night I was scared to sleep that even though my eyes are super tired, I push myself to stay awake. I was scared of sleeping alone in my room as well that I don’t know what do to and how to take a rest.

Thankfully, around one in the morning, I was able to relax a bit (but not quite) and plug on my earphones and hit my Spotify playlist that finally lulled me to sleep.

PREPARING FOR THE OUTCOME

Like what I’ve said to a friend, I actually felt better after a breakdown and slowly went into a realization that I have no choice but to face it.

I have to face it no matter how unfair it is. That it doesn’t matter how healthy I am or how good I’ve been living my life, the possibility is there and who am I to be self-righteous when a lot of people, young ones, are born with diseases?

I suck it up and do what I have to do. I went to the cardio doctor, got consulted, and gave me a medication.

At first, it seems like he won’t require me a 2D Echo so I brought the topic up saying my physician who recommends him told me that I might need a 2D Echo so I just ask straight if I need it. He asks me if I want to do it since it’s kind of an expensive test to take, but and knowing me, I said yes because that’s the only thing that can make me calm and settle, I need facts and evidence that I am okay. At that point I know I can’t settle for just a consult no matter how good the doctor is because at the back of my mind I am a science person and I need facts and evidence because I felt something and I cannot ignore it when it is there.

Someone asks me, what’s my greatest worry about this whole situation and I realized it’s mainly about being scared that my life can be altered and that I am mad that I am experiencing it when I’ve been good with my body and as a person (if I may add haha). And then she asks, will there be a problem if the result comes with bad news and I realized that overall I am okay and secure at the moment despite the pandemic that is another turning point for myself.

I realized that despite my fear, I’m secure and I am grateful for it.

I think the whole process was like the stage of grief and at this point, I’ve come to accept it. I realized the only way is to go forward and be prepared.

I’m done with denial, anger, bargaining, and sadness. So this is it, acceptance. No matter what the result it, I have to be prepared and accept it.