“I don’t want you to decipher anything… or to analyze. I want you to tell me what you felt when you read it.”

That line is very simple and probably one of the lines that lately affected me. It was said to me by a dear friend when she asked me about my opinion of a line from a book (if you are reading this, sorry I used your line without asking permission first, I just need to share this realization).

Can you remember the moment we transition from ‘read the lines’ to ‘read between the lines’? As a child, we were taught to read and understand the simplest meaning of a sentence.

“Ana, may gatas ka pa sa labi.”

It means that Ana still has milk residue on her lips. And then you have to underline the noun, verb, etc. The main objective here is to get the gist and instruction, if there’s one, of every sentences.

On reading comprehension test your teacher probably gave you short story and the normal question were, “Who bought medicine for Lorna?” A typical WH- question and they are all so easy to answer! Like, more of that question please.

And then later on, they helped us develop our critical thinking skills. One-word answer to a WH- question won’t suffice anymore. You need to elaborate it more, make a sentence like,

“Gabbie bought the medicine for CJ.”

Next, they makes us understand the hidden meaning of some lines. They start us with introducing salawikain, sawikain, and bugtong and make us answer fill in the blank questions such as:

“Kapag may itinanim, may _________.”

To further it more, they let us give our own meaning and interpretation to some phrases.

“Ana, may gatas ka pa sa labi’

Now, that means that Ana doesn’t have milk residue. It now means that Ana is still young.

“Gabbie bought the medicine for CJ.”

Gabbie now bought CJ’s medicine because their other siblings are too busy with their own lives to take care of their youngest sibling.

They taught us to read between the lines, to overthink things, because apparently that’s how life seems to be. One step forward and you know the end result of it since every scenarios that might have happened already played inside your head.

We eventually realize that people might be saying different from what they really wanted to say so we have to watch for other clues with the way they say it; intonation, hand gesture, and facial expression.

And then when it comes to writing they taught us to write and read technically. I’m no pro at writing, just a disclaimer, I’ll just share to you the common things that flow naturally while writing.

In news writing, your piece should be precise, timely, and should contain the gist of the story with the shortest number of words. In literary rhyming is very important, like a vital part. In features writing it encourages writer to make their piece of work as relatable to the reader as much as possible, freestyle kumbaga.

My writings lean more on features writing. It’s not that I hate other type of writing that are more technical, it’s just that I want my work to reach someone as quickly as possible. I want to convey the message the easiest way.

So when my friend asked me what I think about the line from a book, I gave my technical view. I told her that the line was a bit vague for me to decipher. That the words used are too deep for me to comprehend easily.

To be honest I had difficulty really ‘reading’ it because it’s too metaphorically written. And then when she said those line, it hit me.

We are so engrossed to know what the writer wanted to say, we are so curious, that sometimes we forget that some writer wanted you to feel something too. Just to feel.

Academe, at our young age, taught us that everything has a meaning if we only know how to ‘read’ it but I think it forgot to teach us that some things are here to make us feel.

We don’t need to fill our mind solely with answers to questions. We should also focus on our emotions. We might understand the word ‘sorry’ and its meaning but can we say and use it with empathy? We focus on knowing things than feeling. And maybe that’s how we hurt more easily.

We think, think, and think. And then we forget to feel.

In this world full of know-it-all wannabes, be a feel-it-all britney-b**ch. (Lol, don’t know why I wrote that Hahaha)

There’s nothing wrong with knowing things, you just have to also know that you have to feel too.

Some lines are destined to be vague, and we might never know the answer as to why but we have to deal with it.

I have a secret to tell.

If you’ve read some of my entries here you probably notice that when I talk about beauty I always associate it with inner beauty. I don’t usually align it with perfect makeup look or the normal standard of being called pretty, I always highlight strength and other human’s features which is not synonymous to face value aesthetics. But just to be clear it doesn’t mean that I’m snob with that kind of beauty or that I can’t appreciate those pretty people out there because in fact I’m kind of jealous of them.

Contrary to other beliefs, I’m a normal teen who enjoys fashion and beauty as much as the next girl in the mean girls group. I have tons of fashion and beauty magazines that I scan and look for inspirations and ideas even on normal days! I’m just a lowkey.

During college I went to a phase where I’ve been super stress and it showed on my skin. I had couple of major breakouts that I was so stress about, but not stress enough like acads’, which eventually took its toll on my skin and damaged my self-esteem. Looking back I think the reason why I didn’t mind that stress or my breakouts is the fact that I don’t have time to stress on it because of my busy life studying and being active with orgs in college, and of course let’s give credit to my ‘fake it until you make it’ mantra.

I have a very sensitive skin and it’s been a crazy journey. I tried different products and some even damaged my skin than do good. And during those time I realize how I was craving for more when I had enough. Pre-breakout era I always complain with my visible pores and black/white heads, I wanted to get a fair and poreless skin and with that in mind I tried using products that might have contributed with the breakouts that I had.

Whenever I look at the mirror I always tell my reflection that if only those zits will disappear, I’ll never ask for more. I’ll just leave my skin and will not ask for more, period.

Some people notice that I don’t use makeup, even at work, and it’s not because I despise it. I have bag of makeups, it’s just that I’m not into it.

Okay fine, I’m a bit scared.

I’m scared that I’ll be dependent on it and that there will be time where I can’t go out without dolling myself. I’m honestly terrified that I’ll based my self-worth on how thick and perfect my ‘kolorete’ and that when the time comes I quit it, I’ll be less for myself.

Sometimes I can’t help but wonder what’s the real face of those women I ride jeep along without their makeup on? And how they identify or describe their bare-face.

Again, there’s nothing wrong with loving makeups and enhancing the skin and body you are in. This is just my personal opinion and this does not invalidate your preference in life. I just want to answer those people who keep saying I should do this and that.

I do want to look and feel good. One time I ask why some people are blessed to have porcelain skin when all I got is a super sensitive and oily one.

Growing up with lots of insecurities, you don’t know the level of me wanting to be pretty. All the social standard of how you should be whiter than white, or how you should have this straight silky hair keeps on pestering everyone that one day I’m just finally done trying to please everyone. I’m done changing myself to fit in. I just want a hassle-free life. Of course, there are still times that I feel like dolling up myself but I like to do it on occasions, not daily.

I don’t want to live a life I know I can’t commit to. I want people to like me the way that I am because I know dolling up is a thing I can’t commit for a lifetime. I think there’s something to do with our growing environment. Although I have 4 siblings, makeup has never been a common thing for us. Mama won’t let us wear makeup unless there’s an occasion until it became us. Always free of makeups (and now our Mother sometimes tell us to put some lol the alpha and omega haha).

But if you wish to gift me some, by all means do so. I’m not a makeup snob, just too lazy to care I guess?

Yes, it has been a year since I graduated from college. And it may have been so long ago, but for me it’s seems like just yesterday. I remember how unpredictable the weather that week- it is sometimes superhot that when the day of the graduation came my makeup almost melted totally and the fact that we have to line up under the scorching heat, but there are times where rain poured so hard.

My peg was to really look classy so I got my hair on a low bun, red lipstick, and an ankle-length moss green dress with v-shape back that was made by my Lola. Thankfully I didn’t went through the troubles of searching for something to wear on my grad because Lola is a dressmaker (but she’s too old that she don’t do business stuff anymore) and at the same time I had the chance to choose a design for me, super win.

So enough of the trip down the memory lane, where am I now?

The past 12 months has never been easy. I had to fight many battles, mostly personal and professional and I’m thankful that I had my friends with me. We have our own battles but it’s more bearable to know that we have backups when we hit setbacks.

Today, I went out with friends and yesterday I met with my HS friends and it was a bliss. I can’t remember the last time I lost count of the time because I was playing arcade. After a while, I realize something. I realize that I might get lost in the future but the people around me will be my anchor and that the happiness they give will keep me afloat and safe. They’ll save me without knowing it and without asking for anything in return. I realized that sometimes you don’t need someone who can listen to your story especially if you can’t even figure out how to tell it, what’s important is that you know that there is someone out there for you who can make you laugh and remind you what happiness feels like.

It’s sick how I know some people who suffer losses, setbacks, and disappointments over the span of year when they didn’t deserve it. People whom I think are pure awesome and great started doubting their selves as if they have been a failure when all that they have become is a strong-challenged human being.

On a social media app someone ask me about my insecurities and to be honest I don’t know how to answer it without looking kawawa so I had to go with a movie line that somehow relates to me. Pressure. It was just later on that I realized how to use pressure and expectations as a weapon of strength. And up until now I still haven’t mastered it yet but I’m working on it. I’m trying and I’ll keep on trying.

The funny thing is people keeps on thanking me for having there by their side and for sticking when they don’t have anything to thank to. It has been a very challenging year for emotional battles and I am grateful too that they chose me to be there when they are having battles, I appreciate that I got to be an anchor and a breather in this suffocating life but I’m also grateful with them because I get to be free and contented. And that they made me feel special and important when times and challenges made me think otherwise.

Just like what I said on my previous post, I don’t have life figured out and it’s fine because we still have a lot to do and create. I’m now working in an administrative post and do writing as a breather but we can never know what life has to offer until we fully jump on it.

And I say ‘you jump, I jump’. ( movie reference again haha )

-Post intended for June 2018 posting